Penelope Joy came into this world on Monday, August 11th at 6:37am. I was given the choice to go home that day. I took that choice. At the time, I just wanted to go back home and try to forget the nightmare that I've just experienced. I declined being wheel chaired out of the hospital because I didn't have a baby to show for my inability to walk, so I walked slowly out of the labor & delivery room, down the hallway, into the elevator and out of the hospital. I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I linked my arms into Ken's for physical (and emotional) support, hung my head low, tears streaming from my already swollen eyes, and walked away from my baby. It was just an indescribable feeling walking out of the hospital with empty arms. The hospital gave me a memory box with a book of extremely sad quotes, pictures, a lock of Penelope's hair, the pink hat that they put on her, her footprints, a little outfit and pillow. Little did I know then how important this memory box would be. It held anything tangible I had of Penelope. Sometimes when I feel the need, I go into the memory box and hold the pink hat up to my face, take a deep breath in to try to smell her scent. The hat is probably pretty salty by now with my tears.
When we got home, we knew we had to tell Addy what had happened to the baby. She was so excited to have another little baby sister. She was expecting us to come home with the baby, this is what she told my mom and sister. We sat her down and she already sensed something was wrong. She was always sensitive and read people well. We told her that something very bad happened to the baby, she will not be coming home, and she is with God now. I don't ever remember hearing her cry so hard. I could see her heart breaking right before my eyes. She looked out the window, to the clouds (to God), and cried, "But I want to see her!" She looked into the memory box and asked if she could keep the little pillow to remember Penelope. To this day, she keeps that pillow under her own pillow on her bed. She talks about the baby often and says, "Penelope is in heaven, but we won't see her in a long time" and whenever asked, she has two little sisters...one here and one in heaven.
I was worried about how this would affect Addy, but realized just how resilient she is. She grieves for her little sister, but she's also one of my greatest supports. She would see my eyes welling up with tears, run to the tissue box and bring me a tissue. She reassures me that I'm crying about Penelope and that she's sad too. She cries with me. She gives me hugs. She shields me from things that she thinks may be a trigger. She is completely amazing.
Before Addy was born, I just prayed for two simple things...that she would be happy and healthy. God answered our prayers. She's our 1 (out of 3) healthy child. She is mature beyond her age. She is kind, sensitive, helpful, understanding. She makes Ken and me smile and brings her family so much joy. I thank God for Addison every day....the best big sister to Juniper and Penelope.
When we got home, we knew we had to tell Addy what had happened to the baby. She was so excited to have another little baby sister. She was expecting us to come home with the baby, this is what she told my mom and sister. We sat her down and she already sensed something was wrong. She was always sensitive and read people well. We told her that something very bad happened to the baby, she will not be coming home, and she is with God now. I don't ever remember hearing her cry so hard. I could see her heart breaking right before my eyes. She looked out the window, to the clouds (to God), and cried, "But I want to see her!" She looked into the memory box and asked if she could keep the little pillow to remember Penelope. To this day, she keeps that pillow under her own pillow on her bed. She talks about the baby often and says, "Penelope is in heaven, but we won't see her in a long time" and whenever asked, she has two little sisters...one here and one in heaven.
I was worried about how this would affect Addy, but realized just how resilient she is. She grieves for her little sister, but she's also one of my greatest supports. She would see my eyes welling up with tears, run to the tissue box and bring me a tissue. She reassures me that I'm crying about Penelope and that she's sad too. She cries with me. She gives me hugs. She shields me from things that she thinks may be a trigger. She is completely amazing.
Before Addy was born, I just prayed for two simple things...that she would be happy and healthy. God answered our prayers. She's our 1 (out of 3) healthy child. She is mature beyond her age. She is kind, sensitive, helpful, understanding. She makes Ken and me smile and brings her family so much joy. I thank God for Addison every day....the best big sister to Juniper and Penelope.