I had a slight bit of hope for about a month that we had been gifted with a rainbow baby (for those of you who don't know, a rainbow baby is a baby that comes after a stillbirth...like a rainbow comes after a storm). But that hope too was short-lived and again I am at a point of despair, hopelessness, loss, and confusion. This miscarriage at 10 weeks definitely hurts, but it mostly brings back all the pain from losing Penelope. If I hadn't lost Penelope, I wouldn't be going through any of this in the first place. It makes my heart literally ache and long for my baby, who was taken from me for no good reason.
This morning I found out that the cemetery had put in Penelope's headstone. So I immediately went out to the cemetery to see it. I'm not sure what I expected by seeing it. Does the headstone solidify the fact that she's dead? No unfortunately I don't need a piece of stone to remind me of the death of my baby...I'm reminded of this fact every single day. Out of curiosity and just to feel closer to my baby (knowing full well that this isn't true), I drove out 45 minutes to her gravesite. I cried....well, I bawled the whole way there. My mind just filled with depressed thoughts and self-pity. The headstone was exactly the way we chose it to look, so I wasn't surprised or overly emotional to have seen it. I stayed for about 10 minutes and left. On the way home, I realized I wasn't the emotional hot mess I was on the way there. The mommy time I spent with my baby definitely gave me a clearer mind and hope. I can't really explain the hope that I felt, but I felt more positive about life and even during this terrible time of loss and confusion, I felt a bit of....joy.
Thank you Penelope Joy for looking after your momma...