But what about the 100th day after a stillbirth? What could wikipedia say about that? What do we call the first 100 days of grief, deep sorrow, unanswered questions, constant tears, loneliness?
We should be celebrating Penelope's 100th day on this earth today. We should be having a party for her, inviting family over to go gaga over how adorable and chubby she is. We should be experiencing her first smiles and her cooing. We should be celebrating her life...instead I look back to 100 of the absolute hardest days of my life.
How can I miss someone I didn't even know? Someone who I've never seen alive? Not sure, but I do. I miss her every single day, many times a day. I miss what my life should've been, the things I had no doubt would come from having a (live) baby.
Today, November 18th, 2014, I cannot celebrate the 100th day of Penelope's life. But if I had to celebrate something, it would be the gifts that Penelope has given to our family. I've learned to take advantage of every opportunity to make my life and my family's life better...to (try to) cook delicious meals, to put my phone down and spend as much quality time with the two loves who were born crying...alive, to be present as a wife and mother.
Penelope, I would give anything to celebrate your 100th day of life today. But mommy can't change the circumstances. Instead, I celebrate the gifts you've given to your mommy, daddy, and big sisters. And in one way or another, I hope that your life, the 38 weeks, as short as it was in my belly, will make an impact in this world. Mommy, daddy and your big sisters love you and miss you very much!